Thursday, August 14, 2008


I've been procrastinating starting a blog because I was worried I wouldn't have much to talk about. Now it seems like this blog may have a greater purpose than I originally intended. This morning after some complications and a doctor's visit confirming the worst, I lost my little peanut "Baby J". Most of you did not know that I was even pregnant or that I've been trying to get pregnant now for quite some time.

My heart is so heavy right now as I write this. I contemplated even posting a blog entry (especially as it's only my 2nd entry) but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to do it. You see, so many times we all wonder WHY? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is it that a God, a FATHER who loves us so much can allow such a terrible thing to happen. We all have our WHY's??? Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you.......YET. But I will, one day, and I'll slap my forehead and say "aaaahhhh I get it now!". As I drove to the doctor's office this morning, part of me felt that I should drive faster so that I could get there in time to DO SOMETHING and fix the situation. Like I could stop what was happening. The other part of me just wanted to slow down and avoid a confirmation of what I alreay knew in my heart. I felt so torn. Here I was, with all of my motherly instinct and wisdom wanting to control the situation and only do the best I could for my unborn child, but ultimately I knew that I really wasn't the one in control.

As I left the doctor's office, with Parker in tow flirting with all the nurses, my saddened heart could only help but smile. I thank God every day for my little boy. What a blessing he is and I am so thankful to have him! It has been a tough, tought day though. I can't help but think that I lost a child today. MY child. My child that I will never get to meet here on this earth. It really hurts. Big time. The thought of starting all over again is daunting. But I am confident in the fact that the Lord, MY Father, truly has good plans for me. How could I ever say such a thing when looking at the events of today that seems impossible? With Faith, I focus on not what's right in front of me, but on the not knowing of what's being orchestrated behind the scenes.

"I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."
~Message Jeremiah 29:11-13

I used to have a really hard time in believing what the Bible said. Yes, in theory it all sounded good, but it was written SO MANY years ago!!! How could it ever apply to me and my life today? Over the past five years, I have really just taken the time to study the Bible and the more I learn, the more I realize just how important this information truly is. I encourage you to spend some time reading it--I think you will be pleasantly surprised about what you find.

So what now? What's next? I don't know. I just try to find peace in a situation I so badly want to control and plan, but know that I simply can't. I try so hard to make MY PLAN work according to MY TIMING. You see, I'm a planner. I need to know what is going on when, well in advance. It's just not playing out that way lately. The funny thing is, that while I'm so busy making plans for my life, I'm missing out on all the things God is trying to bless me with! When it all comes down to it, I'd much rather choose what God has in store for me, I'm pretty sure He knows what He is doing. In the meantime, I'll rest in knowing that God is working on something much greater than I could have ever imagined. I just need to be patient :-)

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."
~Habakuk 2:3

Thanks for listening.........

~J, thanks for posting these verses recently. I had no idea that they would be speaking directly to me!


Jeanette said...

Erin, I know this post was so hard for you to put out there, especially since the emotions and feelings are still so new and raw. Know that I am praying for you and Brandon. I know your hearts are hurting. Continue to cling to the Lord. Your faith through this trial has encouraged me today and I'm glad the verses have brought you comfort. I love you friend!!!